pilates, sex & strength

i've been thinking a lot lately about the differences between men and women.

this might sound beyond obvious, but until recently, i really hadn't fully processed how much i internally ignore these differences. namely, that men naturally possess about 20x more testosterone than women do, which matters because testosterone is responsible for all things strength, speed and muscle-related when it comes to physicality. it's why men are generally bigger and stronger than we are, even if we outweigh them (or out-train them).

without realizing it, i've always held myself to physical standards set by and for men, such as tits-to-floor pushups, long fasting windows, abdominal flatness, or the hegemony of leanness. and i've always, always come up short.

thus, i've felt just a little bit like a failure, all the time.

it's like my numerous successes and triumphs didn't count as much because they were still less than. i could do a headstand, but because it wasn't one-handed handstand pushups it somehow didn't count. for all i've tried & trained, mostly what i have to show for it is tight pecs and a bitchy internal monologue.

is this just me?

i doubt it. when i was growing up, we were taught that equality means that girls can do anything boys can do, which i took to mean that girls should do everything that boys could do. and that because as women we must demand our equality, we need to be able to do all the things boys can do. to prove ourselves deserving of recognition of our personhood. to show that we are capable of the independence from patriarchal bullshit that our feminist foremothers demanded for us.

and while this is good - definitely a step up, at least - it's inherently flawed. now that i have a son and daughter i see how ridiculous it is to expect either of them to have the same capabilities as the other. boy bodies can't do what girl bodies can (i.e. pregnancy and childbirth, the miracle of life and whatnot) - why should i expect my body to do what a man's can? 

but i do. after nearly 20 years of trying, i still can't really do a pull-up.

i still feel inadequate when i can't lift my suitcase over my head. i'm pissed and jealous when my non-exercising husband can outrun me, outlift me, and out-pushup me. intermittent fasting and low carb eating are unsustainable for me, yet i still feel guilty about having toast with my eggs or caving to cravings. i've felt like a wimp when i've needed help over a chain link fence (yes, this has come up more than once and no, don't ask) or when i couldn't scale the side of an empty water tower while trespassing as a teen. i still beat myself up for the slightest softness of my lower abs, even though i have an entire set of organs in there that men don't. 

here's the point: 

when standards are unrealistic and inappropriate, practices are not aligned and cannot yield the desired results. 

now look - gender, like sexuality, exists on a spectrum and there are plenty of strong-ass women who can do all the push & pull-ups and plenty of normal healthy men who cannot be bothered. there's a range of “normal” hormone and fitness levels in each of the sexes and honestly, any kind of thorough discussion of that is way beyond my scope. 

i also realize dividing the sexes into two contrasting categories is reductive af. i'm not trying to tell anyone they are wrong in any way. if you're a chick and you love fasting and ironman competitions, i'm all for it - you do you, boo. but if you're like me and have tried your absolute damndest to do the fit man things well and never quite got there, i'm here to say: you're not doing it wrong, you do have willpower, and you don't suck.

so what happens when we flip the script and adjust our standards to fit our actual selves? what becomes possible when we stop acting like apples need to be more like oranges?

from what i've gathered so far, here are 3 key strategies and their results:

strategy 1: understand that “modification” doesn't necessarily mean “easy"

result: better strength gains & faster progress

the more we poo-poo “modifications,” such as keeping knees on the floor during pushups, the less we actually advance in our training. for instance, my pushups never got better until i practiced “girl pushups” and actually strengthened myself to the point that i could do a “real” pushup with excellent form. my advice? work where you are today.

form first, friends. always. 

strategy 2: focus on capabilities, rather than limitations

result: full body benefits & a more positive attitude

in this pushup example, for instance, i also learned that when i did chest-opening and back-strengthening exercises that i could do well, my pushups got a lot better. and when i learned to lean into my natural strengths, like flexibility and connection to my body, i could unlock the restrictions and stiffnesses that prevented me from finding my best alignment and doing great pushups. the pushups got better, too, when i strengthened other parts of my body that weren't so hard for me to deal with, like abs. and it's worth remembering that male structure tends to be bigger in the shoulders than the pelvis which is the exact opposite of my body. it's harder to lift heavy things when they are farther away from you.

strategy 3: redefine measures of success - both the journey and the destination

result: success in aligned goals, sense of satisfaction, energy for new challenges

having babies most definitely helped me appreciate the wonders of my female physicality so that i could - had to - redefine my measures of success and reframe my thinking about what i needed to do to be successful. it also taught me how to ask for help, that i am deserving of help, and that others need my help, too (and that doesn't make them any weaker or less than or whatever stories i used to tell myself about myself.)

luckily you don't need to actually procreate to do this. try unfollowing accounts that make you compare & despair and instead follow people who look and behave a little more like you do. (better yet? put your phone down.) be brave enough to send more of your energies towards getting good at things that bring you satisfaction and joy, even if they don't seem to be appreciated by the world (yet). and remember that underneath every goal is a desire for a feeling, so find things that give you the good feelings and don't worry too much about the rest. 

finally, remember that just because it's possible, doesn't mean it's desirable.

you know what pretty much always is desirable for everyone, though?

health.

confidence.

feeling good.

and thankfully for that, we have pilates.

invented by a man, but genius enough for a woman ;)