perils of perfectionism

lately i've been thinking how for much of my life, especially since becoming a mother, i spend a lot of time and energy aspiring to ideals of womanhood that simply don't exist in the wild. for one reason or another, i expect myself to somehow be an awesome mom, a stellar employee, a savvy & capable business owner, an inspiring entrepreneur, a flawless housekeeper, a hot, supportive and fun wife, and an attentive friend, all while being wayyyy more organized than i naturally am and cooking consistently delicious and healthful meals that the people in my house will actually eat.

but.

is anyone all of these things at once?

clearly not.

and why would i even want this, anyway? why do i think it's remotely possible, let alone desirable, to be the supermom who "somehow does it all," all the time?

deep down, i don't think i do. i am a living, growing, ever-evolving creature of this earth who is deeply and consistently engaged with the experience of being alive. i have feelings i don't understand, experiences that blow my mind, an increasingly large stash of knowledge to share with others and ever-expanding energy… and yet, somehow, my brain keeps automatically “should-ing" me towards these aspirations inherited from our patriarchal society and my own 90's-era perfectionism.

consider that the ideal i've inherited of modern american womanhood is built on a web of lies fabricated in the 1950's (sending women back into the home to free up jobs for returning soldiers) that didn't thoroughly die in the 60's and 70's when we layered even higher expectations onto women with career, achievement, and glamour but didn't deal with things like maternity leave, childcare, or any real education about pre-and postpartum wellness. modern technology and conveniences notwithstanding, humans have not historically lived in such small and insular family groups as we do now - ever. back in the day, even if small children were with their mothers most of the time, they were not alone with their mothers. there were other, multigenerational bodies, hands, eyes and minds to watch, protect, nurture, stimulate and entertain. Beyoncé might be “strong enough to bear the children and get back to business,” but who's singing about how awesome they are at raising their children while running a (home and) business?

please understand: i love my children, my career, achievements and (relative) glamour. i cherish my family, my education, my conveniences and my partner, who is awesome and more than does his share. we are living the dream! i'm pontificating to illustrate my overall point, not to complain.

speaking of, here's the point: you'd think all the should-ing aspirations would lead to inspired action, forward motion, productivity and progress. but actually, this overachiever-y should-ing leads to getting bogged down by the shackles of persistent guilt, the inertia of internal shame, all for constantly falling short of overblown and misinformed expectations. which in turn leads to more of the behaviors and habits that we are always trying to will ourselves away from, like short tempers, extra glasses of wine, bingeing netflix, cold shouldering loved ones, having what is by any sensible estimation too many cookies, etc.

because what i'm aspiring to is both impossible and based on a web of lies, all the motivation towards “having it all" aka “doing it all” actually has the opposite effect from intended - i get less done when i spend more time planning elaborately and then feeling guilty when it doesn't all work out.

so what does this have to do with exercise, you ask?

good question. it's not so different, really. the fitness industry relies heavily on aspirational ideals to motivate clients towards perfect health or bikini bodies or thigh gap or 6 packs or bubble butts or what have you. but if our ideals are jacked, we set ourselves up to fail by striving for them, because our efforts will at some point have the opposite effect as intended.

so what do we do about it?

i say: focus on the joys of the process. whether the joy comes from completing something hard or from relishing something that feels good, go towards that. do exercise you like, with people you like, listening to music you like, wearing leggings you like. notice the little differences day to day, understand that progress doesn't have to be linear to still be progress. enjoy occasional goal-lessness. i've learned that sometimes it's better to eat mac & cheese from a box if it means that you get more time to play on the floor with small people and their dinosaurs. sometimes it's better to do the “easy” modification or just take a freaking walk instead of the latest WOD. and sometimes, it's better to let the abs go.

releasing from the protective cocoon of perfectionist ideals can be a little scary (internal monologue is like omg! if i don't want abs i won't do abs & i'll never have abs/a job/love/self-esteem ever again… shhhh, internal monologue, stfd with that nonsense) but is ultimately freeing - and way more fun - to do so.

so, focus on the process. smell the roses. feel the feels. let go of outcomes and revel in what comes. thanks for reading, babes!