on stress and what to do about it

stressedessert

lately, i’ve been feeling more stressed and sad than usual, which has made it hard for me to write and share anything intelligent, heartfelt, or useful with you. i am aware that my life is easy and sheltered and that i have everything i’ve ever wanted (along with a healthy desire & drive for more). and i’m actively grateful for that, but even so, pretty much every day is a blend of thinking “wow! what a wonderful life!” and also throwing up my hands, crying in my bedroom and staring at the wall contemplating the right-wing abyss this country is sliding into, this decidedly dystopian nightmare of hypocrisy and greed and avoidable climate disaster. (also the constant construction, junkie presence and lack of parking. those things don’t help.)

my external stress is the same as many people's. reading the news as a mother/caring citizen causes a particularly depressing existential crisis, and i have loved ones who are very sick and it completely breaks my heart. i am enraged and terrified about literally everything in the news as of late. but at the same time, i can’t deny that right now, within the walls of our apartment, we are blessed with health and a fairly low-stress existence. i look around at all the wonderful things i have going in my life and am truly grateful, even gleeful, about them, but part of me feels guilty for having so much, or like i’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for things to go south, for our turn for misery. i see war and danger and cruelty and hypocrisy everywhere and have trouble reconciling how my actual life is pretty safe and calm. 

(someone did nearly crash their car into our living room, but luckily disaster was averted by a fence and a row of garbage cans.)

and as for internal stress: i just haven't been feeling great about myself lately. i try to spare you the whinier parts of my internal monologue, but the truth is, there are times when my flaws seem to multiply and my strengths dwindle in comparison. body positivity is a practice, y’all, and my progress with it is hardly linear. the old demons of body dysmorphia, conditional self confidence and guilt around food and size and cellulite are tough to exorcise. (sidenote: is anybody watching “physical” on apple tv+? i'm obsessed).

in my profession, it can be easy to let negative thoughts about one's muffin top morph into profound impostor syndrome and professional self-doubt. how can i possibly be selling fitness when clearly i am such a trainwreck? why would anyone take my advice? 

don't worry. these are not my only thoughts on this subject and i don't let them win. i'm just being honest for context.

and then every day around 3:30pm, i have to fight to leave all that stress outside and focus on creating a peaceful environment where my kids can feel safe and silly and loved and have room to be themselves.

it takes everything to do this.

anyway, we all have external and internal stress, and instead of plunging headfirst into bottles of wine and netflix every day, we need actionable, useful coping strategies. the cause of the stress itself might be too big for us to solve, but there is always something positive, however small, that can be done. 

for my particular internal stress, in the past i would’ve restricted food until i felt i was doing something right, or until i realized it wasn’t working, whichever came first. now though, i am aware that restriction begets excess so instead of restricting, i add a healthful practice instead. so i aim for an extra vegetable for dinner, or i add protein, fiber or fat to a carby indulgence, or fit in a quick cardio workout to a light teaching day. i remind myself there’s no need to suffer to feel healthy and whole, and since i’m not denying myself much of anything, my psyche doesn’t rebel with cravings or overindulgence. i literally feel better from satiety, nutrients and endorphins, and while progress might be slow, the feeling of balance alone is encouraging (not to mention my cycle gets better and increasingly pain-free). 

and as for the big things that prey on my heart and mind, i just try to do what i can. i reduce, reuse and recycle. i turn off lights when i leave the room and use green products. i give money to causes i believe in, even small amounts. i vote. i teach my children kindness, inclusivity, and critical thinking. i am mindful of my words and the energy i share with others. i am motivated by working with women to help them feel healthy, connected to themselves, and in control of their lives. i try to help and try not to hurt. i clean my house, frequently and imperfectly. it’s not enough, but it’s something, and i don’t feel it’s in vain, even if the big decisions are truly in the greedy, clammy hands of lawmakers and corporations.

also, i make this chocolate hummus, which, even though it sounds disgusting, is a delicious way to sneak protein and fiber into my children under the guise of a treat and is a satisfying “hippie dessert” for me as well. here it is:

1 can of chickpeas

4 tbsp dutch cocoa powder

4 tbsp maple syrup

pinch of salt

splash of vanilla

a tbsp + water

drain and thoroughly rinse chickpeas. i shell them to make the hummus super light and easy to digest. blend until smooth in a food processor or blender, adding cocoa, maple syrup, vanilla and salt. add a little water to make it smoother. enjoy with strawberries, as a spread on brioche, or however you damn well please :)

that's it for now, my loves. as always, thanks for reading, keep pulsing and stay gold!